Pentagon Cop Aid Hits Snags
BY BRUCE MCCALL
CREDITILLUSTRATION BY NISHANT CHOKSISince President Obama took office, the Pentagon has transferred to police departments tens of thousands of machine guns; nearly 200,000 ammunition magazines; thousands of pieces of camouflage and night-vision equipment; and hundreds of silencers, armored cars and aircraft.
—NYTimes.com.
From: Chief Z. Z. Lawless, Mumsdorf Police Department, Mumsdorf
To: “Gifts for the Good Guys,” c/o the Pentagon
My men and I sincerely appreciated the overnight railway-flatcar delivery of the XX-B Annihilator Halftrack Urban Ambassador, which is already earning its keep. Thanks to its jumbo rubber shells and its six-hundred-per-second firing capacity, those local moms are going to think twice before they try organizing a march to protest school-lunch cuts. However, I have one question: Our XX-B is out of fuel and nobody in the department can find the gas cap. Help!
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From: Gus Lard, Jr., Commander-in-Chief, Finksville Metropolitan Volunteer Fire Brigade
To: “Gifts for the Good Guys,” c/o the Pentagon
The instruction manual that came with the UT-777 Barbarian helicopter you sent appears to be printed in Chinese (next time in English, please, and no MSG!), so we’re having trouble figuring out the recommended effective height for dropping napalm bombs on the public-housing complex without torching the greens of the nearby golf and country club.
Can you lend a hand?
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From: V. Vern Cudgelson, Director of Public Works and Law Enforcement, Hyena County
To: “Gifts for the Good Guys,” c/o the Pentagon
Our department’s first outing aboard the M333 Kaboom all-terrain defensive heavy tank you so kindly gave us was going great—pedestrians scattered like chickens as we traversed Main Street, rotating the unit’s suite of cannons for range-finding purposes—until we hit a glitch. My men hadn’t realized that Main Street was being repaved that day. After locking down for half an hour to set up and launch the department drone, pursuant to pursuing a suspected no-parking agitator, our crew returned to find that the asphalt had hardened and the twenty-three-ton Kaboom was stuck, completely immobilized.
Could someone at the Pentagon e-mail us a requisition-request form for the Marine Corps’s biggest crane? The M333 Kaboom is blocking traffic all the way past the Route 632 intersection.
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From: Buster Mashfoot, Chief Sergeant, Pankster City Bureau of Citizen Surveillance, Pankster City
To: “Gifts for the Good Guys,” c/o the Pentagon
Me and my deputy, cousin Roy, are pleased to report complete success in uncrating the A-498-Class Mayhem Jr. automatic self-propelled semi-mobile peace-delivery system that was recently delivered by an Air Force cargo plane to this bureau. A hearty thanks to the “Gifts for the Good Guys” Law-Enforcement Self-Defense Program.
The accompanying instructional CD classifies this as a two-man item, but we reckon it needs a crew of three: one to man the laser direction indicator, one to control the computer readouts, and one to operate it. And our department’s 2014-15 budget has no room for hiring a third officer.
Also, although it was obvious right away that this item is a breathtaking technological advance, can you please inform us exactly what it is for? Roy thinks it’s something to do with intercepting Greenpeace smoke signals. If you could send a diagram, a certified trainer, and that “third man” to help us get the thing moving, it would be much appreciated.
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From: Arnie Dunceforth, Acting Chief Pro Tem, Department of Human Control, Whackem Center
To: “Gifts for the Good Guys,” c/o the Pentagon
Our department hereby acknowledges receipt of five hundred fifty-litre cannisters of XXXX Lungbuster troublemaker-dispersion vapor. I am writing in place of our chief, who, in the name of speed, removed the lid of one cannister with a crowbar. So, does the Pentagon by any chance stock pairs of human lungs? If so, please forward to the Department of Human Control, Whackem Center, stamped “RUSH.”
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From: Sergeant Rocco Smith, Admiral of the Silt City Regional Marine Armada, Town of Silt City
To: “Gifts for the Good Guys,” c/o the Pentagon
Thanks for the G.F.G.G. night airdrop. Question: Is the NX-900 King Crocodile Amphibious Water-Rescue and Ground-Attack Vehicle seaworthy? Reason I ask: the skipper barely escaped with his life when the King Crocodile gurgled and sank as soon as he entered deep water in our local swimming hole while pursuing semi-nude bathers. A design flaw, perhaps? Also, if we manage to locate a licensed plumber with scuba gear who can effect repairs, might the Pentagon pick up the bill? ♦
Bruce McCall is a satirical writer and artist who began contributing to The New Yorker in 1980.
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